I've grown up 'going' to Church. Why do I feel so lost and confused about how to live out my faith?

At the end of the day...I've just never done it before. At least in the Acts 2:42-47 way. No closeness. No community. Just the "stand up, sit down, turn around" kinda church.

I feel so frustrated...with church....with myself. I had a conversation with my Dad last night and I really came out of it feeling really...lost. I've gone to the same Church all my life. I don't know any other way of doing it. But I know-for me and my family at least-we need to do it differently. My Dad thanks that to stray from the main-line denominations would be to stray into dangerous territory. I don't think so. I don't know what we're looking for for sure, but I know I can't seem to find it in this little town in Indiana. I need a mentor and we need to be discipled. I want to know the Lord better. I want to help others to do the same. I didn't realize how angry, hurt, and frustrated I was about all of this until I spoke to Dad. I feel so alone and Heather is so new in the faith. I want to be a witness to the world and serve the Kingdom of God, but ....it shouldn't be this difficult.

Angry because I was looking for approval and/or encouragement and I didn't get it. Lost because I "would rather be a part of a small, committed order or team on a journey than be an attender in a large, impersonal worship service", and as I said before I've just never done it. God is telling me he wants more from me. Me, a member of His Church. He wants me to live it 24/7. My whole life has changed the past few years dew only to Christ working in my life. I'm a good father. I hope a good husband. I'm clean. I'm sober. But our Christian walk...our following him...our being church has been mediocre at best though. I have knelt....I have touched the robe of Jesus....I have been healed, but now it is time to go back to the world as a healed follower of Jesus Christ. I have grown up going to church. I can't remember a time where I didn't believe in Jesus Christ and in his death and resurrection and in it all being for me. And you. I became a Christian when I was 15. When I was seventeen I started smoking dope. Out of the Church partying until my son was born. I have since grown closer and closer with the Lord. But it is time to give him more than some of my attention, some of my time and some of my money. It's time to give him my body-all of me. Romans 12 says this is "pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship." It's time to live a whole lot more holistically. Because if I don't...what am I saying to Him? What am I saying to the world that needs Him? And no, I don't think my Dad would disagree with this. He's worried about his son leaving the safety of the walls. I also realized I can honor my father and mother, but I don't have to agree with them. God is calling my family to his service. WE WILL GO. And how is this not good for Heather, who is a new Christian? She may be a new Christian, but I envy her. She's been trying to walk it from the beginning. I wish half of us had the heart she has.

As far as "it shouldn't have to be so difficult." No. No one said it was going to be easy.

Just like the church. I am a work in progress. I need all of you to keep me going. I hope to be of service to you all some day. God has truly blessed me by all of you being in my life. You heard my call for help and you came typing and praying to this struggling traveler. Thank you from all of my being. And I hope to meet all of you along the way.