When I was in junior high and high school I didn't really see where I fit. Through my eyes I did not see people like me. I would look at history books or hear stories about people who succeeded at doing this or that, but they were not me. I would look at family and church and see those that were 'successful' as being the preachers. That was not for me.
An insecure ball of feelings, deep emotions, desires and superficial dreams.
Rock and Roll!
I would go home and turn on Mtv the radio and hear myself in these people. I was empathetic with them.
I tried to live life similarly to how I perceived those people who I connected with lived there’s.
They were also perceived to be successful. Something that I did not picture myself ever being.
I never did quite fit in with everyone that I got high with. Existed with. They didn't care about anything. I only pretended not to.
We got pregnant
How do I love? Where do I look for success here? Where do I, in my current reality, find someone I connect with or perceive to be successful at loving?
Mom, Dad and Christ
My own experience of love at home mixed with my own experience and all I knew about Christ left only Christ to look to. Our only companion for this new journey. (Christ that I experience in my parents and others as well)
In trying to model myself and allowing my heart to be modeled after Christ's I began to love much more than just my own family. How do I go about helping this world? How do I go about helping The Church? So many of us have missed the point! About life. About love. About the mission of the Church. It's all about love! Doing it and experiencing it. His love in us for each other.
Being the insecure person that I am I have looked for my path to be plotted out for me. I have, subconsciously, tried to mimic your's or his or her life.
I need to return to, not even mimicking Christ's life, but letting go of myself to allowing Him to live in and through me.
"We must become the change we want to see." - Ghandi (and Joshua Rudd(?))
All of my life I have been the little brother. The tag along. A follower. A layperson as apposed to a leader. Never quite fitting in or being excepted. Even in my church. My wife has the same problem in church although she is definitely not a follower.
I pray that God takes me and guides me and my family, as individuals and as a unit, into the mission and purpose he has for us. I know that to be loving.
My ego wants me to stop being the little brother and the one who's different and doesn't quite fit in and to start being a 'leader'. I want to have a degree and a cool job that you envy or admire. I want to be able to write well so you think I'm smart. I want to have something big and profound to say.
Forget all that though. More than any of it I desire that change in me and in the world. And the only thing that little Scotty can do is to be that change. My house a sanctuary. My family a church. Our lives a mission. That mission love.
It's not big and important by the world standards, but whether you are white, black, red, have spots, gay, straight, modern, postmodern, male, female, confused, sick, well, republican, democrat, Muslim, Christian, atheist, Hindu, upper, middle, lower, no-class, Southern Baptist or Catholic, you need love.
"Live simply that others may simply live." - Mohandas K. Gandhi
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself." - Jesus
Saturday, February 28, 2004
after the passion
(I wrote this Thursday night, but didn’t think I wanted to put it up. I now feel that I need to be honest about my own struggles and questions. My brother-in-law has been asking questions off and on for some time and, though he has not seen the movie he asked about sacrifice. “Why did Jesus have to die? What about people before Jesus? Did they all go to Hell?”
I found when I was faced with Christ’s pain and suffering I was asking the same sort of questions. Especially about those who were not Jewish in the Old Testament.)
I saw The Passion tonight....[long sigh]
As I watched this happen to this man I kept finding myself saying to myself, “This doesn’t make any since. This doesn’t make any since.”
What is it that my faith is in here?
This blood
All this blood
Punishment
Pain
Murder
Sacrifice
Anger
Forgiveness
Greed
Power
Fear
Love
Love....
We say he died for our sins.
What does that mean?
Was it murder or sacrifice?
A death of a companionate and loving man at the hand of fear and hatred and greed is what I see and is there to be seen by all. (that is the fear and hatred and greed of all parties involved. The Romans. The Jews. The crowd of people, who in Isreal would have been a mixed group of people, views and religions.)
Murder(?)
But the loving God I rest my faith in is not about doing this to anyone. That is not love. I don’t see that. That is what does not make since to me when I see all that damn blood and you say, “Jesus died for my sins.”
Christ says that he lays His own life down, but he didn’t just whip himself and climb up on the cross on his own.
This does not make since.
It only begins to make since when I begin to see a glimpse of the whole which is that it is both. Not one or the other, but both.
On the ride home alone(?) I was reminded of the story of Joseph in the Old Testament. He had told his brothers he was going to forgive them for selling him into slavery and they questioned whether he was or could really do that. Joseph understood who his brothers were. He was not naïve. He knew that his brother’s, after their belly’s being filled and pocket’s filled with cash, would walk away bickering. He told them that what they had intended for evil the Father used for good.
God didn’t cause Jesus’ death. Sin did. All of it. Christ didn’t save himself from it because he knew it was the loving nature of Our Father to use it.
I was told once by someone while we were talking about engaging cultures that are not necessarily our own that he didn’t thank that God called us out of our comfort zones. If that’s the way ya’ want to look at it I suppose, it is so obvious that following Him will lead us WAY outside of them though.
Christ was a loving, companionate, and innocent man who engaged everyone with open arms and an open heart and we are called to do the same. And He made it clear that if the world did not spare Him for it than neither would they spare us.
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” - from John 13:35
Love! Not being the Hip New Church. (that title of that article ticks me off by the way) I’m not learning to pray to a different drummer. I am learning to pray and drum alongside The MixMaster.
The heart that I have right now as a Christian causes me to focus on the whole story. Not the blood and the pain and not just the flashbacks in the movie where you find that it is in the context of those relationships that this pain is put to use and the only place that it makes since to me.
I don’t understand why Christ had to die. I don’t understand sacrifice in the old Testament. I do understand that Love is a verb. God is love. I have my faith in Him. The love to me isn’t that Christ hung on the cross. It is that he didn’t get down because He and the Father are one and He understood that the Father is love and He would not just allow this to happen without using it.
ps - And another thing. If you think I would be pissed about my son being hurt like that you know that God is going to be a bit moved. The difference between Him and I is that He used it for good. I on the other hand would smack the stuffing out of ya’.
I found when I was faced with Christ’s pain and suffering I was asking the same sort of questions. Especially about those who were not Jewish in the Old Testament.)
I saw The Passion tonight....[long sigh]
As I watched this happen to this man I kept finding myself saying to myself, “This doesn’t make any since. This doesn’t make any since.”
What is it that my faith is in here?
This blood
All this blood
Punishment
Pain
Murder
Sacrifice
Anger
Forgiveness
Greed
Power
Fear
Love
Love....
We say he died for our sins.
What does that mean?
Was it murder or sacrifice?
A death of a companionate and loving man at the hand of fear and hatred and greed is what I see and is there to be seen by all. (that is the fear and hatred and greed of all parties involved. The Romans. The Jews. The crowd of people, who in Isreal would have been a mixed group of people, views and religions.)
Murder(?)
But the loving God I rest my faith in is not about doing this to anyone. That is not love. I don’t see that. That is what does not make since to me when I see all that damn blood and you say, “Jesus died for my sins.”
Christ says that he lays His own life down, but he didn’t just whip himself and climb up on the cross on his own.
This does not make since.
It only begins to make since when I begin to see a glimpse of the whole which is that it is both. Not one or the other, but both.
On the ride home alone(?) I was reminded of the story of Joseph in the Old Testament. He had told his brothers he was going to forgive them for selling him into slavery and they questioned whether he was or could really do that. Joseph understood who his brothers were. He was not naïve. He knew that his brother’s, after their belly’s being filled and pocket’s filled with cash, would walk away bickering. He told them that what they had intended for evil the Father used for good.
God didn’t cause Jesus’ death. Sin did. All of it. Christ didn’t save himself from it because he knew it was the loving nature of Our Father to use it.
I was told once by someone while we were talking about engaging cultures that are not necessarily our own that he didn’t thank that God called us out of our comfort zones. If that’s the way ya’ want to look at it I suppose, it is so obvious that following Him will lead us WAY outside of them though.
Christ was a loving, companionate, and innocent man who engaged everyone with open arms and an open heart and we are called to do the same. And He made it clear that if the world did not spare Him for it than neither would they spare us.
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” - from John 13:35
Love! Not being the Hip New Church. (that title of that article ticks me off by the way) I’m not learning to pray to a different drummer. I am learning to pray and drum alongside The MixMaster.
The heart that I have right now as a Christian causes me to focus on the whole story. Not the blood and the pain and not just the flashbacks in the movie where you find that it is in the context of those relationships that this pain is put to use and the only place that it makes since to me.
I don’t understand why Christ had to die. I don’t understand sacrifice in the old Testament. I do understand that Love is a verb. God is love. I have my faith in Him. The love to me isn’t that Christ hung on the cross. It is that he didn’t get down because He and the Father are one and He understood that the Father is love and He would not just allow this to happen without using it.
ps - And another thing. If you think I would be pissed about my son being hurt like that you know that God is going to be a bit moved. The difference between Him and I is that He used it for good. I on the other hand would smack the stuffing out of ya’.
Friday, February 27, 2004
this wife of mine
We were eating lunch today and Heather is telling me about taking Mikah and sissy to the pet store the other day and one of the dogs they held. We started talking about what kind of a dog or dogs we would like and how much we would be willing to pay for one and how much we would be willing to pay if we were to buy a purebred dog or dogs and begin breeding them. Not that we are planning to do this anytime soon, but anyway. My very pregnant wife turns and says to me, “Yeah! I'm all about breeding someday.” LOL!! She didn’t realize what she had said until I about choked on my cherry-coke.
it's all about me...
just kidding
It's my 26th birthday!!!
Ben and Jerry's Everything But The... and Phish Food, family, internet and bit of the Game Cube.
Heather and Kiwi have the sniffles so please pray for them and the baby. Please pray for Mikah too. We have realized that he is worried about the baby. He has been really acting up the past week or so and it has finally occurred to us that he wants the baby here now because he is worried not just impatient. The little guy's got a big heart and he just doesn't know how to express some of his feelings.
It's my 26th birthday!!!
Ben and Jerry's Everything But The... and Phish Food, family, internet and bit of the Game Cube.
Heather and Kiwi have the sniffles so please pray for them and the baby. Please pray for Mikah too. We have realized that he is worried about the baby. He has been really acting up the past week or so and it has finally occurred to us that he wants the baby here now because he is worried not just impatient. The little guy's got a big heart and he just doesn't know how to express some of his feelings.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
socksual appetite
I am beginning to think that there is a creature in our laundry room that eats all of our socks.
Lent
I’ve not paid much attention to Lent before. In thinking about it today I have wondered what went through Christ’s mind as the day drew nearer.
He was alive and sacrificing his life daily through love and compassion in those forty days.
How do you prepare yourself for such a think?
Prayer is all I can think of. The contrite heart Alan points out from Psalm 51.
This time apart from the local church we had been attending, the baby growing in my wife’s belly, the clear and present danger of hormones, attempts by someone I used to work with to evangelize me through email and convince me that I am not saved because I do not speak in tongues, and all the rest of my life experience to date continually confirms to me one thing.......that they will know us and He who has sent us by our love for one another. And not just for one another, as in other Christians, but love of all those who don’t even love us. Those who hate us. Those who just don't agree with us.
What I will do for Lent is reflect on what that really means and looks like to love and be compassionate for all of ya’. Even those who have it out for me.
I have the tendency to be offended and want to argue when someone does not agree with me. That must go out when I flush with the rest of it.
Peace to you .
I hope your day is fully experienced.
ps - Keven Rains has a good Lenten post ...on waiting
He was alive and sacrificing his life daily through love and compassion in those forty days.
How do you prepare yourself for such a think?
Prayer is all I can think of. The contrite heart Alan points out from Psalm 51.
This time apart from the local church we had been attending, the baby growing in my wife’s belly, the clear and present danger of hormones, attempts by someone I used to work with to evangelize me through email and convince me that I am not saved because I do not speak in tongues, and all the rest of my life experience to date continually confirms to me one thing.......that they will know us and He who has sent us by our love for one another. And not just for one another, as in other Christians, but love of all those who don’t even love us. Those who hate us. Those who just don't agree with us.
What I will do for Lent is reflect on what that really means and looks like to love and be compassionate for all of ya’. Even those who have it out for me.
I have the tendency to be offended and want to argue when someone does not agree with me. That must go out when I flush with the rest of it.
Peace to you .
I hope your day is fully experienced.
ps - Keven Rains has a good Lenten post ...on waiting
Friday, February 20, 2004
you know i'm smiling...
Regular image host is blocking me for today. My boo-boo. I left the ultrasound pics I was going to put up in a temporary fotopage. Go check them out here.
These photos don't show it, but it appears we will be having a boy!!!!
Estimated time of arrival is August 7th.
He seemed to have hiccups for a spell and was sucking his thumb bit.
Mikah was in there with us. He thought it was "totally awesome"!
ps- we are still going to think about girl names just to be safe...
These photos don't show it, but it appears we will be having a boy!!!!
Estimated time of arrival is August 7th.
He seemed to have hiccups for a spell and was sucking his thumb bit.
Mikah was in there with us. He thought it was "totally awesome"!
ps- we are still going to think about girl names just to be safe...
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
we're going to paint the town...translucent
I’m going to take my loverly wife out to dinner tonight.
We have not been out in ages.
::Side thought:: - I can’t wait till we are in Indy. We don’t have any cafes here and I know we both would like to go to poetry readings. I would love to be able to find some good jazz and/or folk playing somewhere for sure.
We have not been out in ages.
::Side thought:: - I can’t wait till we are in Indy. We don’t have any cafes here and I know we both would like to go to poetry readings. I would love to be able to find some good jazz and/or folk playing somewhere for sure.
stuck
I’ve been so grouchy and stuck in my head lately. Really it’s more like my head has been stuck up my hind-end. Ya’ know?
It stinks up there.
Lost in self-pity I think. A bit of fear maybe. Not for sure.
I do know that for my little fam it hasn’t been the nicest being around me.
That’s not ok.
I refuse to let myself remain stuck here.
I need to let go....
....but first I need to figure out for sure what it is I am holding that is making me this way.
Pray for peace...
It stinks up there.
Lost in self-pity I think. A bit of fear maybe. Not for sure.
I do know that for my little fam it hasn’t been the nicest being around me.
That’s not ok.
I refuse to let myself remain stuck here.
I need to let go....
....but first I need to figure out for sure what it is I am holding that is making me this way.
Pray for peace...
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Words Without Borders
I just discovered Words Without Borders... and lovin' it.
Why Words Without Borders?
Along with the myriad ancient virtues of storytelling--giving pleasure, passing time, stimulating thought, connecting strangers--literature is a passport to places both real and imagined. In an increasingly interdependent world, rife with ignorance and incomprehension of other cultures, literature in translation has an especially important role.
Few literatures have truly prospered in isolation from the world. English-speaking culture in general and American culture in particular has long benefited from cross-pollination with other worlds and languages. Thus it is an especially dangerous imbalance when, today, 50% of all the books in translation now published worldwide are translated *from English,* but only 6% are translated *into* English.
Words Without Borders undertakes to promote international communication through translation of the world's best writing--selected and translated by a distinguished group of writers, translators, and publishing professionals--and publishing and promoting these works (or excerpts) on the web. We also serve as an advocacy organization for literature in translation, producing events that feature the work of foreign writers and connecting these writers to universities and to print and broadcast media.
Our ultimate aim is to introduce exciting international writing to the general public--travelers, teachers, students, publishers, and a new generation of eclectic readers--by presenting international literature not as a static, elite phenomenon, but a portal through which to explore the world. In the richness of cultural information we present, we hope to help foster a "globalization" of cultural engagement and exchange, one that allows many voices in many languages to prosper.
yea!!
September?! I Can't believe I missed this.
Impoverished coffee farmers around the world won a victory when Procter & Gamble, the largest seller of coffee in the United States, announced on September 15 that it would begin offering Fair Trade Certified coffee though its specialty coffee division, Millstone.
Procter & Gamble's agreement to sell Fair Trade coffee came in response to a grassroots campaign by Global Exchange, Oxfam America, Co-op America, the Interfaith Fair Trade Initiative, and socially responsible shareholders calling on the corporation to assist the millions of coffee farmers hammered by the collapse of coffee prices. For the last year and a half, thousands of people across the U.S. have sent letters, faxes and emails to Procter & Gamble demanding that it offer Fair Trade coffee. Now, thanks to the efforts of people of conscience around the country, more farmers than ever before will be guaranteed a living wage for their harvests.
Friday, February 13, 2004
the passion
Typing this off-line.
It’s 8:31am. I just clicked to a local news channel when they were flashing some miscellaneous flicks from The Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson. I only saw maybe four shots, but there was just one, that was up for maybe a second, that caused the tears to start. It caused this lump to swell up inside until it burst out. I broke. Crying like a baby who just saw his father hurting and dying and didn’t understand why.
The quick shot was of Jesus’ hand. The nail was brought to it and you could see the flesh be pulled. It was only on the screen for a second or two.
I can’t say that I have totally ever grasped why Christ had to die, but I have committed myself to following after this man. After God.
I have felt like I’ve been in this spiritual slump for some time now. Often feels as though it is pushing me towards the beginnings of depression. It frequently makes me feel as though I am completely lost about what it is to be a Christian.
I know it’s not really a slump at all. It is Him drawing me out of the one I didn’t even realize I had been in. It is me realizing that life with Christ isn’t pretty like the Christian book stores and most of the churches I’ve been in. It sucks. It’s hard. It’s dangerous when actually lived out. It can be as painful as watching those nails go in or as feeling them.
You know we only do it for love.
My friend Mark Thames says it like this, “The more we get to look like Jesus, the more we look less and less like each other and more and more like ourselves.”
It’s a lonely feeling when you realize that you’ve been a fraud. Living this pretty little life claiming to be a Christian. Realizing you’ve been modeling yourself off of the wrong image or images. It’s Christ. The life. The blood. The infinitely-unselfish-all-inclusive heart and lifestyle of God who sacrifices all for me that I recommit myself to following.
I pray I am able to continue to see the passion of Christ through my mixed tears of anger, hurt and frustration for knowing I cannot ever repay Him for taking my place. All I have is me.....
John 15:12-13 - "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.
It’s 8:31am. I just clicked to a local news channel when they were flashing some miscellaneous flicks from The Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson. I only saw maybe four shots, but there was just one, that was up for maybe a second, that caused the tears to start. It caused this lump to swell up inside until it burst out. I broke. Crying like a baby who just saw his father hurting and dying and didn’t understand why.
The quick shot was of Jesus’ hand. The nail was brought to it and you could see the flesh be pulled. It was only on the screen for a second or two.
I can’t say that I have totally ever grasped why Christ had to die, but I have committed myself to following after this man. After God.
I have felt like I’ve been in this spiritual slump for some time now. Often feels as though it is pushing me towards the beginnings of depression. It frequently makes me feel as though I am completely lost about what it is to be a Christian.
I know it’s not really a slump at all. It is Him drawing me out of the one I didn’t even realize I had been in. It is me realizing that life with Christ isn’t pretty like the Christian book stores and most of the churches I’ve been in. It sucks. It’s hard. It’s dangerous when actually lived out. It can be as painful as watching those nails go in or as feeling them.
You know we only do it for love.
My friend Mark Thames says it like this, “The more we get to look like Jesus, the more we look less and less like each other and more and more like ourselves.”
It’s a lonely feeling when you realize that you’ve been a fraud. Living this pretty little life claiming to be a Christian. Realizing you’ve been modeling yourself off of the wrong image or images. It’s Christ. The life. The blood. The infinitely-unselfish-all-inclusive heart and lifestyle of God who sacrifices all for me that I recommit myself to following.
I pray I am able to continue to see the passion of Christ through my mixed tears of anger, hurt and frustration for knowing I cannot ever repay Him for taking my place. All I have is me.....
John 15:12-13 - "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
First Fervor
Reading In the Spirit of Happiness this morning in the tub the monks seemed to be speaking to me.
In the second chapter of the book called “First Fervor” the monks speak of the beginning of their spiritual journey and prayer life and compare it to the ‘honeymoon’ stage of falling in love.
I was so excited about this new WAY OF LIFE. I was making a conscious decision to step out of a way of life that was not much of a life style at all and into something more real. Something fuller.
The thing is I have not done it yet. We haven’t.
At least that is what I thought.
I think what has happened and is happening is that, and you have read my recent frustrations that past few months, the high has gone. It is becoming a reality that we have not arrived and that this way of life is just that. Real life on the way. It sucks sometimes. Like marriage, life with Christ isn’t this ever-blissful journey like an infinite honeymoon. It takes work.
People are rude. Personalities clash. I can really be an ass. But we love merely to love. This is wisdom gained. There is true happiness found in that. When I love for personal gain it is not love and happiness fades when I do not get what I was striving for.
We will love God for God’s sake. No other.
As I am called closer and closer to Him it becomes a realization that the greatest walls between us are the illusions that when I don’t feel Him and life is just not all to wonderful that He is not there. Further growth makes it more and more clear that Christ is always here. No matter what I am feeling or not feeling He is there. Always present. Always a present.
In the second chapter of the book called “First Fervor” the monks speak of the beginning of their spiritual journey and prayer life and compare it to the ‘honeymoon’ stage of falling in love.
“A guest at the monastery was speaking with one of the novices one day, describing his recent conversion to Orthodoxy. ‘It’s been such a blessing, you just can’t imagine! I feel such support from the people in the parish-totally different from where I formerly went to church. And the services, well, they’ve made such a difference in my prayer life! For the first time in so long, God feels very, very close.’Most of you have been on this journey for sometime and I know I do not need to point out to those who have been coming here for a while that for a long period I was on that high. Having discovered that there were new/old, more authentic ways of expressing myself as part of the Church. New/old ways of living life with Him. All the talk about meal sharing, community, and living life together etc. etc..
The novice listened politely , having a good sense to recognize that the individual was on a religious “high,” and not wanting to belittle that. He had experienced something similar himself, and he understood that in the context of conversion this is something all of us go through. Yet it illustrates perfectly the dynamic involved whenever we make a serious change for the better. Our emotional reaction is profound and often exaggerated, and we naturally overflow with unbridled gratitude. For a time, we live with a palpable sense of God’s presence, as a pungent and pervasive as the finest incense. We fall in love with God, for a while, everything is wonderful.
So this is a legitimate, powerful, inner awakening that always happens at the time of conversion. The temptation here, however, is to think that we have arrived when actually we are just beginning. Even in a monastery, novices will encounter this to one degree or another as they begin their new life dedicated to God. It takes a lot of hard work to attain a broader perspective.”
I was so excited about this new WAY OF LIFE. I was making a conscious decision to step out of a way of life that was not much of a life style at all and into something more real. Something fuller.
The thing is I have not done it yet. We haven’t.
At least that is what I thought.
I think what has happened and is happening is that, and you have read my recent frustrations that past few months, the high has gone. It is becoming a reality that we have not arrived and that this way of life is just that. Real life on the way. It sucks sometimes. Like marriage, life with Christ isn’t this ever-blissful journey like an infinite honeymoon. It takes work.
“The rewards of heaven, and what - ultimately - we shall get from our labors, these monastic tradition leaves to God. It knows that whether we are monks or not, each of us is called to happiness - true happiness - the sort of happiness that stands up to the tempestuous nature of everyday life. This kind of happiness comes only through the integrity and maturity that result from sustained spiritual effort, and not from more transitory pleasures that may come to us in the course of our lives. And though the particular spiritual path each of us follows will vary according to the context in which we live, nevertheless, they are all pointed in the same direction.”I don’t think I need to say that the glitter is gone from what was once the fresh face of the ‘emerging church’ and what is left is everyday life. Sometimes alone, sometimes with you, sometimes cool and exciting, but mostly mundane, but by choice always lived with Him.
People are rude. Personalities clash. I can really be an ass. But we love merely to love. This is wisdom gained. There is true happiness found in that. When I love for personal gain it is not love and happiness fades when I do not get what I was striving for.
We will love God for God’s sake. No other.
As I am called closer and closer to Him it becomes a realization that the greatest walls between us are the illusions that when I don’t feel Him and life is just not all to wonderful that He is not there. Further growth makes it more and more clear that Christ is always here. No matter what I am feeling or not feeling He is there. Always present. Always a present.
Not that I claim to have reached....perfection already. But I keep going on....I do not consider myself to have grasped it full even now. But I do concentrate on this: I forget all that lies behind me and with hands outstretched to whatever lies ahead, I go straight for the goal - my reward the honor of my high calling by God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14)I like the Message translation:
I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me.peace
Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus.
I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
Mikah again
The two kids were in their bedroom last night and Sissy just started going on about something. She was really miffed.
I asked Mikah what she was crying about and he said with his hands in the air, “I don’t know what she is talking about. Is that English or is that Spanish she’s talkin’?” :>)
I asked Mikah what she was crying about and he said with his hands in the air, “I don’t know what she is talking about. Is that English or is that Spanish she’s talkin’?” :>)
Monday, February 09, 2004
Mikah's ordinary construction
Mikah was building a little fort in the living room last night that he called "The Castle of Ordinary.” LOL
still 'building' the foundation
I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been working a lot lately, but also because I don’t seem to think I have much to say.
I made that commitment to make five posts about relationships, but have realized again that I don’t have many locally. Also, do I think that because we don’t do a lot of cool and exciting things that there isn’t much to blog about? I realize that I need to get out of my shell and engage the communities around me, but it bothers me that somewhere in my head I seem to think that ya’ll don’t want to here about my ’boring’ life.
I have realized that I have been too ’protestant’ and done more complaining about problems with this way and that way of doing things and I have not done much in the way of getting to know Christ better and getting to know you better.
(I am reminded of Brad’s question- “what does it mean and what might it look like to be a holistic, 24-7 disciple?”)
I pray that when we get to Indy God will place those people in front of us that need us to be living out our faith with them and for them. There is so much need there. I am sure He has a place for us. I pray that there will be those who push us and encourage us into growth by there lives.
I pray that I continue this current and emerging-focus stirred within to search Him out instead of searching out ‘new models’. I pray whatever you see me and the people around me doing it is all centered around our desire for Him and for loving those around us rather than being ‘pomo-cool’. Construction that is began with the foundation built on the Rock rather than deconstruction founded in….anything else.
Peace
(Ps- I am already tired of the current header and color scheme. It seems very crisp and clean looking to me, but maybe it is a little too much so for me. It will be changing again.)
I made that commitment to make five posts about relationships, but have realized again that I don’t have many locally. Also, do I think that because we don’t do a lot of cool and exciting things that there isn’t much to blog about? I realize that I need to get out of my shell and engage the communities around me, but it bothers me that somewhere in my head I seem to think that ya’ll don’t want to here about my ’boring’ life.
I have realized that I have been too ’protestant’ and done more complaining about problems with this way and that way of doing things and I have not done much in the way of getting to know Christ better and getting to know you better.
(I am reminded of Brad’s question- “what does it mean and what might it look like to be a holistic, 24-7 disciple?”)
I pray that when we get to Indy God will place those people in front of us that need us to be living out our faith with them and for them. There is so much need there. I am sure He has a place for us. I pray that there will be those who push us and encourage us into growth by there lives.
I pray that I continue this current and emerging-focus stirred within to search Him out instead of searching out ‘new models’. I pray whatever you see me and the people around me doing it is all centered around our desire for Him and for loving those around us rather than being ‘pomo-cool’. Construction that is began with the foundation built on the Rock rather than deconstruction founded in….anything else.
Peace
(Ps- I am already tired of the current header and color scheme. It seems very crisp and clean looking to me, but maybe it is a little too much so for me. It will be changing again.)
Friday, February 06, 2004
Indy
Moving to Indy is coming more and more into reality.
Looks as though we are going to be able to pay off all our hospital bills and still move to Indy very soon.
I am so excited and yet nervous about getting started down there. There are some folks I have been talking to, primarily online, that I am looking forward to journeying with for a while. I've met Riley and Bill, but only for a short time. I'm sure in no-time we will be getting on each others nerves. (an inevitable part of the journey)
Notice how I jumped right from being excited about chillen out with them to thinking about how I will probably get on their nerves. I do this. "What if this? What if that?" I am so tired of that part of me. I just want to start loving folks. Truly loving them. Which means being vulnerable and putting myself out there. I shouldn't worry so much about a person's rejection of me.
Looks as though we are going to be able to pay off all our hospital bills and still move to Indy very soon.
I am so excited and yet nervous about getting started down there. There are some folks I have been talking to, primarily online, that I am looking forward to journeying with for a while. I've met Riley and Bill, but only for a short time. I'm sure in no-time we will be getting on each others nerves. (an inevitable part of the journey)
Notice how I jumped right from being excited about chillen out with them to thinking about how I will probably get on their nerves. I do this. "What if this? What if that?" I am so tired of that part of me. I just want to start loving folks. Truly loving them. Which means being vulnerable and putting myself out there. I shouldn't worry so much about a person's rejection of me.
family
It was so cute. I walked in the door of the house the other day after work and Heather was sitting in the recliner with the two kids facing her in their little chairs while she read them a story. The three most beautiful faces all look up at me in unison to say , “hi, daddy!”.
BEAUTIFUL!
Latter, Mikah had made a puppet and was in position behind a blanket covered laundry basket to give me a puppet-show , but he got too embarrassed and just stayed hid behind the basket. Reminds me of his daddy. I’m always hesitant at meeting people for the first time, getting up in front of people and even just starting conversations.
Mikah and Kiara’s fresh paintings are hanging all over the kitchen.
Heather’s been having a lot of needed fun the past few days.
BEAUTIFUL!
Latter, Mikah had made a puppet and was in position behind a blanket covered laundry basket to give me a puppet-show , but he got too embarrassed and just stayed hid behind the basket. Reminds me of his daddy. I’m always hesitant at meeting people for the first time, getting up in front of people and even just starting conversations.
Mikah and Kiara’s fresh paintings are hanging all over the kitchen.
Heather’s been having a lot of needed fun the past few days.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
peaceful and uneventful couple of days off
The Miller’s have spent the past couple of days just chillen out with each other doing nothing.
We all did go to the library today though. The kids love it. I don’t ever remember getting so excited by the library when I was a kid that I did not want to leave. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays they have a story and craft time for kids around Mikah’s age. He thinks it is “totally cool“.
Kiara shares so well with the other little ones. I realize how well she is speaking for her age. She is saying Mikah now. Until a couple of weeks ago she would only call him Buddy. (which we all found very cute of course)
Mikah is four and he is so intent on learning how to spell and read. You can really see his frustration when he wishes he could read a certain book.
Heather grabbed some books on home schooling. Something we feel lead to do, but not totally equipped for. (has or is anyone else doing this? Any good resources you suggest?)
I picked up The Monks of New Skete - In the Spirit of Happiness. Meant to pick up a couple of National Geographics. Must of slipped my mind at the time.
Things I noticed:
-I was the only father
-We were the only couple
-Our kids were very well behaved
-I don’t look forward to Kiara being 3
-My wife is soooo cool
Additional side notes-
*chai tea is so yummy!
*a church in a neighboring town is going to have a labyrinth set up throughout lent with. Looking forward to getting to experience that for the first time.
We all did go to the library today though. The kids love it. I don’t ever remember getting so excited by the library when I was a kid that I did not want to leave. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays they have a story and craft time for kids around Mikah’s age. He thinks it is “totally cool“.
Kiara shares so well with the other little ones. I realize how well she is speaking for her age. She is saying Mikah now. Until a couple of weeks ago she would only call him Buddy. (which we all found very cute of course)
Mikah is four and he is so intent on learning how to spell and read. You can really see his frustration when he wishes he could read a certain book.
Heather grabbed some books on home schooling. Something we feel lead to do, but not totally equipped for. (has or is anyone else doing this? Any good resources you suggest?)
I picked up The Monks of New Skete - In the Spirit of Happiness. Meant to pick up a couple of National Geographics. Must of slipped my mind at the time.
Things I noticed:
-I was the only father
-We were the only couple
-Our kids were very well behaved
-I don’t look forward to Kiara being 3
-My wife is soooo cool
Additional side notes-
*chai tea is so yummy!
*a church in a neighboring town is going to have a labyrinth set up throughout lent with. Looking forward to getting to experience that for the first time.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
the red pill and choice
While I see that I have made some mistakes and putting the title ‘emerging’ or any title for that matter on what is going on has misdirected me, there is a movement of His people towards closer and more authentic fellowship with Him and with each other. I don’t have to leave this little town to know that.
Christ IS alive and moving in His people! My life is shaken and broken as a result.
Fellowship. 24/7 organic discipleship. Meal sharing. Authentic community. Story telling. Life sharing. Love-house-to-house. These are not idealistic thoughts. These are realistic. These are things I desire for my life. These are terms which represent a way of living in Him that is more real than what I have had. These are a part of a lifestyle which I feel called into when I am called in closer to Him. These require complete submission to Him and complete change on my part. They require more of me than I have ever had to give. These are things I desire from living as the Church. These require me to do what I do here in this blog in the flesh. Doing these things scares me. What if this? What if that?
If I were to continue chasing after the ‘emerging’ church I would still be searching when I was in the middle of authentic community. There is no ideal. There is the Church. We can either fake it and pretend that we are the ideal or we can be honest and live in the real. I choose the red pill.
Taking the red pill requires me to be honest about what I do not know. Requires me to start unlearning some old things and learning some new. It requires me to look at who I really am in Him and break the illusion of who I thought I was.
My name is Scotty Miller. Christ loves me. I have the honor of living this life. I am choosing to live it with Him and with you. I choose that I am.
I am committing my next five posts to be about the Church. Not the ‘church’. I will only post about actual relationships. Actual people. My kids. My wife. You. Him.
Christ IS alive and moving in His people! My life is shaken and broken as a result.
Fellowship. 24/7 organic discipleship. Meal sharing. Authentic community. Story telling. Life sharing. Love-house-to-house. These are not idealistic thoughts. These are realistic. These are things I desire for my life. These are terms which represent a way of living in Him that is more real than what I have had. These are a part of a lifestyle which I feel called into when I am called in closer to Him. These require complete submission to Him and complete change on my part. They require more of me than I have ever had to give. These are things I desire from living as the Church. These require me to do what I do here in this blog in the flesh. Doing these things scares me. What if this? What if that?
If I were to continue chasing after the ‘emerging’ church I would still be searching when I was in the middle of authentic community. There is no ideal. There is the Church. We can either fake it and pretend that we are the ideal or we can be honest and live in the real. I choose the red pill.
Taking the red pill requires me to be honest about what I do not know. Requires me to start unlearning some old things and learning some new. It requires me to look at who I really am in Him and break the illusion of who I thought I was.
My name is Scotty Miller. Christ loves me. I have the honor of living this life. I am choosing to live it with Him and with you. I choose that I am.
I am committing my next five posts to be about the Church. Not the ‘church’. I will only post about actual relationships. Actual people. My kids. My wife. You. Him.
Why I’m making the transition from going to ‘church’ to ‘being’ Church so difficult.
At the center is exalting God. Consciously putting Him first and Lord of My life.
God is “not a God of confusion but of peace.” (1 Cor. 14:33) If this be so then the struggle be of my own making. The sin in my life confusing and confounding me.
The term ‘emerging’ has been used too much as a noun when it was and is meant as an adjective. I have been pursuing the noun while desiring to emerge-verb. My intentions were right, but my attention was focused wrongly.
I am a consumer. My 25 years of only ATTENDING church fed that. So, when I read about what so and so is doing over here, and they are ’emerging’, I buy in to it. There is no question that God is doing something. Something is emerging from the ashes of modernism. The problem is that what group A is doing is ‘emerging‘. I buy that. What group B is doing is ’emerging’. I buy that. What person X is doing, and they are clearly a maturing disciple, is ’emerging’. I buy that.
Now, I’ve bought all this. (please don’t get stuck on the term I use) The problem is that A, B and X are all good. They are all right. None perfect, but they are better than the last thing I bought. They don’t fit together though. A is not B is not X. They are all part of the ALPHAbet though. The Kingdom. At least part of it.
As a consumer this sucks. I can’t actually buy it. I can’t take it home. I can’t land on it. I can’t build anything on it. It’s not a solid and tangible thing to pick up. I can’t sit in front of it and watch it.
I am not A or B or X. Not sure which I am. But what A, B and X do that my only attending church didn’t, even though I have not yet met A, B or X, is require action on my part.
To ’be’ an active-growing part of this organic ALPHAbet soup, the Kingdom, I have to begin to ’emerge’ myself.
I have separated myself from the local church group that I grew up with. I agree with Banks that “According to Paul’s understanding Christian life centers primarily around fellowship, expressed in word and deed, of the members with God and one another.” My attending a service and a Sunday school class/Bible study did not provoke or inspire me to change. To grow. I do not engage people! I am a hermit! My frustrations stem from my own sin and from lack of fellowship within the church of my experience. (fellowship I believe, when God centered, is the vehicle for discipleship and edification of one another. It is where the rubber meets the rode in our calling to love.)
Yes, I don’t learn best in a classroom setting. Yes, hour long sermons every Sunday suck. Yes, the coffee sucks. Yes, everyone at that particular church does not ‘get’ me. Yes, there really isn’t anyone close to my own age. Yes, they all seem content with what is there being all that church is. Yes, it does seem toxic to me. But, did I ever invite anyone out for coffee? Did I so quickly leave in my frustration that I did not allow the stirring, the Christ in me, to be a catalyst for something more? Yes, I want to be a part of something more. I want and need it. I need you across the kitchen table from me. I need us living life together not attending events together. We talk so much about being both/and. Am I, out of my own ideas of community making it either/or while I rant about it being both/and?
Right now we don’t have our own home to invite folks to. We live in a town where it is limited on where to go out and socialize. I am in an obvious growth process right now. In this town, in this setting, with these people…..my head finds it hard to change and be the new and emerging me here. I find it hard to do new things in the little town where I have for all my life not done them. I never understood why people had to go to some other far away place to start over. I do now.
God is “not a God of confusion but of peace.” (1 Cor. 14:33) If this be so then the struggle be of my own making. The sin in my life confusing and confounding me.
The term ‘emerging’ has been used too much as a noun when it was and is meant as an adjective. I have been pursuing the noun while desiring to emerge-verb. My intentions were right, but my attention was focused wrongly.
I am a consumer. My 25 years of only ATTENDING church fed that. So, when I read about what so and so is doing over here, and they are ’emerging’, I buy in to it. There is no question that God is doing something. Something is emerging from the ashes of modernism. The problem is that what group A is doing is ‘emerging‘. I buy that. What group B is doing is ’emerging’. I buy that. What person X is doing, and they are clearly a maturing disciple, is ’emerging’. I buy that.
Now, I’ve bought all this. (please don’t get stuck on the term I use) The problem is that A, B and X are all good. They are all right. None perfect, but they are better than the last thing I bought. They don’t fit together though. A is not B is not X. They are all part of the ALPHAbet though. The Kingdom. At least part of it.
As a consumer this sucks. I can’t actually buy it. I can’t take it home. I can’t land on it. I can’t build anything on it. It’s not a solid and tangible thing to pick up. I can’t sit in front of it and watch it.
I am not A or B or X. Not sure which I am. But what A, B and X do that my only attending church didn’t, even though I have not yet met A, B or X, is require action on my part.
To ’be’ an active-growing part of this organic ALPHAbet soup, the Kingdom, I have to begin to ’emerge’ myself.
I have separated myself from the local church group that I grew up with. I agree with Banks that “According to Paul’s understanding Christian life centers primarily around fellowship, expressed in word and deed, of the members with God and one another.” My attending a service and a Sunday school class/Bible study did not provoke or inspire me to change. To grow. I do not engage people! I am a hermit! My frustrations stem from my own sin and from lack of fellowship within the church of my experience. (fellowship I believe, when God centered, is the vehicle for discipleship and edification of one another. It is where the rubber meets the rode in our calling to love.)
Yes, I don’t learn best in a classroom setting. Yes, hour long sermons every Sunday suck. Yes, the coffee sucks. Yes, everyone at that particular church does not ‘get’ me. Yes, there really isn’t anyone close to my own age. Yes, they all seem content with what is there being all that church is. Yes, it does seem toxic to me. But, did I ever invite anyone out for coffee? Did I so quickly leave in my frustration that I did not allow the stirring, the Christ in me, to be a catalyst for something more? Yes, I want to be a part of something more. I want and need it. I need you across the kitchen table from me. I need us living life together not attending events together. We talk so much about being both/and. Am I, out of my own ideas of community making it either/or while I rant about it being both/and?
Right now we don’t have our own home to invite folks to. We live in a town where it is limited on where to go out and socialize. I am in an obvious growth process right now. In this town, in this setting, with these people…..my head finds it hard to change and be the new and emerging me here. I find it hard to do new things in the little town where I have for all my life not done them. I never understood why people had to go to some other far away place to start over. I do now.
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