the passion

Typing this off-line.

It’s 8:31am. I just clicked to a local news channel when they were flashing some miscellaneous flicks from The Passion of Christ by Mel Gibson. I only saw maybe four shots, but there was just one, that was up for maybe a second, that caused the tears to start. It caused this lump to swell up inside until it burst out. I broke. Crying like a baby who just saw his father hurting and dying and didn’t understand why.

The quick shot was of Jesus’ hand. The nail was brought to it and you could see the flesh be pulled. It was only on the screen for a second or two.

I can’t say that I have totally ever grasped why Christ had to die, but I have committed myself to following after this man. After God.

I have felt like I’ve been in this spiritual slump for some time now. Often feels as though it is pushing me towards the beginnings of depression. It frequently makes me feel as though I am completely lost about what it is to be a Christian.

I know it’s not really a slump at all. It is Him drawing me out of the one I didn’t even realize I had been in. It is me realizing that life with Christ isn’t pretty like the Christian book stores and most of the churches I’ve been in. It sucks. It’s hard. It’s dangerous when actually lived out. It can be as painful as watching those nails go in or as feeling them.

You know we only do it for love.

My friend Mark Thames says it like this, “The more we get to look like Jesus, the more we look less and less like each other and more and more like ourselves.”

It’s a lonely feeling when you realize that you’ve been a fraud. Living this pretty little life claiming to be a Christian. Realizing you’ve been modeling yourself off of the wrong image or images. It’s Christ. The life. The blood. The infinitely-unselfish-all-inclusive heart and lifestyle of God who sacrifices all for me that I recommit myself to following.

I pray I am able to continue to see the passion of Christ through my mixed tears of anger, hurt and frustration for knowing I cannot ever repay Him for taking my place. All I have is me.....

John 15:12-13 - "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.