Pomo Trek

I seem to think a lot about discipleship. Cause at the end of the day that is what I need and that is what, in my experience, is lacking in the church. And also....... No. No also. That's it. I believe that for me to be discipled and for us to disciple folks that I know in the church and for us to reach those that I know out of the church there must be family like relationships going on. Loving eachother. Eating with eachother. On and on.

But first what is discipleship. What does it look like today? Here? Now? For me? For him? For her? Especially when we are talking about discipling the whole person. Is the structure that seems to frustrate me chocking the growth for others as well? What do we do about it? What are we will to change? About ourselves!?

I could go on and on.

These questions are so frustrating to me. Not only because I don't have the answers, but because they almost haunt me hourly! And I am nothing. I am no one. I know nothing. I have done nothing. I still haven't done much for the kingdom besides hold down a pew and ask whole lot of difficult questions.

Ah, but I am a prince! It is my duty as an heir to be burdened by these questions and to seek out answers....

These are the voyages of the noisyragamuffin. My mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new conversations; to boldly go where no scotty has gone before.

in my experience....

I hate that when I talk about all of this it seems that I speak so generally. Not based on any existing relationship and how to react, live, love, be in that relationship. It is all based, however, on my observations in MY church experience. MY frustrations. Mine and my families needs and what I think could help us.

“life is not in the measurements”

After reading Amy’s “why standards and models?” post I am thinking about my holding back in my mind. My fear in all of this ‘deconstructing’ or ‘unpacking’ or whatever.

“When I am ruled by fear, I believe that I am only as good as what I can do. My vision only goes as high as those who have come before me, or it reacts to those who came before me. It is only as high as my education, or the faith of those around me. In other words, I continue to copy others' standards, or develop them, or deconstruct them. I become a shadow of worldly copies.”

She mentions,

“Each one of us is an imaging of God--a life that is based on a heavenly mold, God himself. But because God is eternal, and has unending ways of expressing His very nature, He will continue to manifest Himself differently through each individual that is born on earth now and to come.”

And,

“God is a God of diversity and freedom, and fresh vision. God tells us that each one of us is a unique manifestation of His divine life, and no one else can copy what we create on earth. His spirit also breathes new life and higher vision, of which He is the only ceiling. The enemy rules by homogeneity, stifled vision, and lies. "The Lord is THE Spirit, and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17). God is the very origin of life, of spirit, of vision, and where God’s spirit moves, new things happen. He is always fountain-ing. Let Him fountain-forth a vision for each of us of our beauty, as well as our outward expression.”

FBC and/or all of these other traditional churches are here and are what they are and God allows them to be. I am not to judge, but God is moving in me. I am unique and what he will do with me will be unique. Maybe I need to stop trying to ‘deconstruct’ or ‘unpack’ this, seeing that it may be out of fear that I am doing it that way, and begin moving in my own uniqueness. I forget that I AM FREE. Just start focusing on being Scotty and moving in, where and how he directs me to move. Being part of growing something new and B-E-A-utiful! His Church. However that may express it’s self. However we may explain it from time to time. And remembering that others are their own unique expressions. And there are those who, for whatever reason, do not express themselves so uniquely, but it is my job to do nothing more or less than love them as is. Not pointing out there fear or there difference from what I feel is a good thing, but just to love them.

I do not want it to become a fetish this being house/simple/organic/post residual/don’t-even-want-to-put-it-into-words kinda church. Don’t want it to be US vs. THEM. That’s BS! I understand mine and other’s frustration and anger about things, but let’s not forget to just love each other. And trust that Christ is going to shine through our unique expression of Him and remember we don’t have to try and defend it all the time. We are FREE! And that is something to be thankful for on this day.

but....

There's always a 'but' huh?

I am still here whether I like it or not.

We are not living in our own home at the mo, I am in relationship with these folks at FBC and we still live in this little bitty rural town with no real gathering places. I need to be listening to what God wants us to be doing, here and now, while we are still here. In THIS place. In THIS context. Who, where, how will we serve? If we want God to give us more responsibility we need to be listening and doing his will now. I think I've been in my head so much about all of this...hmm...'relational discipleship' stuff that I've not been alert to potential relationships right here.

Lord help me!

My Little Fish Bowl

In our discussion group at FBC today the talk came around to what Heather and I are feeling led to be a part of and about whether or not the church(FBC) supported us or not.

It was clear that many of them do support us, but it did not take but a few moments to get to the topic of cults, structure, lack of structure and leadership.

There was nothing that I could have said so I didn't try because I knew I didn't have the words. Very frustrating!

*"WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!"*

Because I've only ever done church this...'residual' way, with all it's structure and leadership, yeah I do have my own concerns and things I will look out for, but it makes me realize how the church does so much out of fear. Which is us trying to do things by our own understanding in stead of remembering that it is just about loving our neighbor. But with all the 'structure' and 'leadership' in the traditional church has that really kept bad things from happening? NO! And if you're really paying attention at all you would realize that it is the cause of a lot of problems if not sometimes a temptation in it's self.

Someone mentioned how I need to be 'readied' before I go. But....the problem is there is no one there to disciple us for this. Our church is like that spider plant in the hanging pot that does not have the ability to let the baby spider plants root themselves in the soil without them being snipped off. They just hang there.(got the spider plant thing from watercarriers website)

Goodness I want out of this little town/fish-bowl!

Yes, there are lot's of temptations and stumbling blocks out there, but let us not forget that God is with us. It's not What Would Jesus Do? it's What Is Jesus Doing? And my faith is worth nil if I keep it boxed in.

I feel like a rat in a cage.

Re: generation a continuing process?

Hey folks,

After losing the baby we began looking at everything differently. Lots of fear came out of the hurt. When we were in Dallas for Cairn Heather and I were wanting to see that Christ was in this. And of course we found him there. I think we were able to see the love of the people even more due to our loss. We left there sure that God wanted us there.

*sissy just went pee-pee in the potty....YEA!!*

Heather and I decided at some point that we need to find a way to support ourselves before we go. In my mind we are moving forward into a not-so-traditional form of full time ministry. Trying to live missional lives we need to be able to support our little fam. Neither of us have been to school and the city(Dallas) costs a whole lot more to live in than the little-bitty town we are in now.

Heather has decided to be trained to do medical transcriptions because that would allow her to work from home and also for us to be mobile. Her and her brother have changed things up with their business and we are all now learning to build computers. The parts for the first pc are in the mail now. I pray this all works out because I think it rocks! It is something I've always wanted to do.

Anyhoo, Heather and I will not be moving to Dallas this winter. It is still in our plans for the future, but there is just no timetable for when it will happen. We hope to make as many pilgrimages down as possible.

(if this decision is out of fear and not in God's plan then we pray that he will show us our error and toss us down there ASAP)

I, personally, wish we were there now. We love you all SO much. I've spoken very little to you all since we've been back, but everyone of you has been in my prayers.

We really want to serve our Lord in our day-to-day lives and this critiquing of everything we do really makes me uneasy at times. I've grown up 'going' to church and doing things(or not doing things) in that context and sometimes I feel how Spencer Burke explains that "We picture home repair projects gone wrong-with heaven and hell hanging in the ballance." I've grown up assuming things had to be done a certain way and in my trying to figure out how to serve the Lord in this ever changing place we call America I have realized that the way I've been doing things does not and will not work. Many Preachers and PKs in my family. A lot of my questions don't set well at times with folks. Our questioning where we spend our money(wal-mart, coffee and just about everything else) causes the same uneasiness in folks. I can understand because in this little town and making so little money it causes us to look at the whole way we operate. We need this critiquing and change not just for those people we want to reach, but for ourselves as well.

Anyway, most of you have been going through this for some time and we thank you for you stories and for your prayers. And thank you for still reading this blog. I know I don't explain myself very well and sometimes what gets posted doesn't make a whole lot of sense outside of my head.

Re: generation a continuing process? Me thinks so.

However...

It is in me that there is need for more church planters. I am aware that there is need for emerging leaders and Heather and I are here and we are soooo willing. Just adds to the frustration when we are here away from any one else that is in this when we need to learn from them. You.

We still need to figure out how to support ourselves and our family. If we are to be leaders someday we need to also be 'tent-makers'. Heather and her brother's little corporation has been having problems with their supplier so they were looking for a bit of a change. So, we are all now taking on the task of learning to build custom pc's. This is something I wanted to do a long time ago. I am very excited, but this is quite the challenge. Lot's of research and more and more research and studying. My eyes hurt from reading so much and my brain hurts from all the new info coming in, but we really need this and we need to do it right. So all the prayers you can shoot up on this would be greatly appreciated.

Well, I must get dressed for work. Blog at ya' latter.

The Core of my matter

Anyone who reads this or speaks to me in any form knows that I have been struggling with finding my place in the kingdom. You've heard my frustrations with my experience of church. You may have also noticed that I have been more than frustrated and that I've posted many times in the past about just 'being' and about all the postmodern-organic-simple-small-group-on-a-journey-kinda ways of doing Church and blah blah blah and yada yada yada.

Now recent conversations(one being from a movie), posts, and comments have made me realize some of my pitfalls and things I have been doing with good intentions, but have caused more frustration than anything.

First I realized that I had been taking all of the thoughts and answers and articles and books and taking from them that they were THE 'answers' to our problems here and the problems of the 'whole' church. Obviously this is wrong.

Second, I was reminded about my need for a tribe. MY need to be part of a "small, committed order or team on a journey rather than be an attender in a large, impersonal worship service." It isn't just that I believe this is what those around us are looking for and that this is how we can 'reach' them. This is what I need! I want it for me! I want and need to be discipled and I realize that this, for me, is the best way to do that over all.

I've been trying to keep up with conversations and theories from those who have been at this longer than I have and I just can't do it. And that's Ok, Scotty! Brad, Andrew, Mclaren, Sweet, Mark and whom ever else have been doing this for a long time and they didn't get where they are at now over night. And they sure as Heaven didn't get there by just reading books and blogs about it. They began in their own homes, relationships and communities. I have done nothing, but rant and rave and cry out for answers to all the questions that come in daily.

I watched the movie The Core last night. This conversation made things all come together in my brain for what ever reason.

Dr. Keyes -- "Oh, God, this all seems too big, doesn't it?"

Serge -- "I think you were attempting the impossible. You were trying to save the world, and it's overwhelming.

I came here to save my wife and my two children and....six billion lives--it's too much.

I just hope I'm smart enough and brave enough to save three."

So, Scotty is going to focus on my family, my friends, on what Jesus is already doing there. I will just focus on loving you and him and her and try not to worry about whether I am being 'strategic' or not.

Duh, huh?

Where's my tribe at?

This is in response to Brad's last couple of posts...

This ragamuffin, who desires....whose heart aches for the tribal-egalitarian-let's-get-it-on! kinda ekklesia, wanders what this means for him?

Our being part of this 'traditional/teamwork' based church has caused so many frustrations for us.(i realize frustration is present in all families) I can't help but think that it has been strangling us and not allowing us to just BE on the journey. And the journey with each other.

Can't help but think that it is part of the muck that has kept us from realizing our creativeness. Our uniqueness.

Anger has arisen at times of course. But this local gathering, imperfect as it may be, still really does try to be an expression of their relationship with God.

What about listening to the 'leaders'? Is ok at some point, as much as it may hurt, to step out and wipe our feet, realizing that the purpose is maturity and this has stunted our growth?

Where does one go who desires to be part of a tribe where there is no visible tribe?

We're beginning to see this church move here. There is life stirring within her walls, but the life of this potentially beautiful organism has never known the freedom and growth of one rooted outside of the confining pot into the fertile soil of the earth.

The Contemplative 4 Year Old

Mikah, in the middle of playing today, turns with this curious look and asks, "Who made God?".

Wow! The first thing you think to say is that God has always been here......

After reading John 1: 1-5 I think about how I am here in this world...in the darkness. Christ in me, yes!, but I am not going to comprehend this. Especially with the restraints of my concept of time and ideas of what 'being' is.

I can't help but think that Mikah gets it better that I do.

Holistic Dance Party

I started reading Paul's Idea of Community over again today. It's good to be reading again and to be feasting on the nutritious words of the Bible.

"As we have seen , for Paul the gospel bound believers to one another as well as to God. Acceptance by Christ necessitated acceptance of those whom he had already welcomed (Rom 15:7); reconciliation with God entailed reconciliation with others who exhibited the character of gospel preaching (Phil 4:2-3); union in the Spirit involved union with one another, for the Spirit was primarily a shared, not individual, experience. (2 Cor 13:14; Phil 2:1; Eph 4:3) The gospel is not a purely personal matter. It has a social dimension. It is a communal affair.

To embrace the gospel, then, is to enter into community. A person cannot have one without the other. But what sort of community? Where does it exist? How is it expressed?"

Good question.

Thinking about Andrew's post today:

"It might be better to have a party that is redemptive than having a boring service that has moments of drama/fun."

How that makes me think of the story of the prodigal son and how when the older brother came in from the field he heard "music and dancing".

Thinking about Howie's teaching Sunday and His question, "Why do you want to live?"(not the reasons you don't want to die, but the reasons you want to LIVE) -- And like the wolf wanting to live to "dance"!

Thinking how I'm not such a good dancer.

And also thinking quite a bit about Brad's question, "what does it mean and what might it look like to be a holistic, 24-7 disciple?"

"I assume that ardent endeavor to discover the ideal, and to embody it in individual and collective life, develops the bone and sinew of body, mind and spirit."
-Scott Nearing, in The Making of a Radical, A Political Autobiography

Movin' On

'What can we bring to the table?' This has been a frustrating thought for me regarding what I can offer the 'emerging' Church. How can I be 'relevant'?

Damn it Scotty! You are relevant! The good Lord put YOU here didn't He?

From Derek and Amy's blog:

All of our big ideas—and there have been many—must come through the delivery of Jesus’ spirit. Otherwise, and this is what happened to many of those Gen Thresholds who stayed in the church, we make something that kowtows to the cultural zeitgeist of the moment. So some got angry for the church being irrelevant, while others tried to solve the problem by making something relevant. Both sides of our generation let this icky stronghold thrive. Guys, it’s time to be. Jesus is saying to us, GO BE. Really—to go be who we were made to be. What is your wildest dream and what is keeping you from it? If it is God having you on hold, that is one thing, but if you are not doing what you were made to be, you are being someone else.

I am a part of this! WE are a part of this! Brad you are right. "At least we are at the table."

Now, no more wine. Can someone please pass the meat?

The Loathsome Mr. Hyde

I need to be honest with all of you before i completely shake all of this off.

I have become my own personal version of Mr. Hyde these past couple/few weeks. The loss of the baby. The feeling sorry for myself thinking that i was never going to accomplish anything. That i can not be the man that i need to be for this little family God has blessed me with. The worrying about what we can bring to the table?

I got to the place of being angry and bitter and was unable to pray.

A spirit of anger and bitterness had taken me over! I have been neither a good husband, a good friend, a good father nor a good Scotty. I have hurt my family slowly by this. I pray they forgive me.

The Lord has been helping me to shake this off. I need your prayers and support to be free of this. *Please*

I needed to come to this space and be honest with ya'll about this as you, few as you may be, are a part of me.