I can not sleep.
Talk about wanting to run forward and not being content with where we are on the journey...thoughts about what God has me right here-right now for. Where it is he’s leading us and....incomplete thoughts.
If you’ve been coming here and reading my blog for even a short time you will have noticed much frustration. Lot’s of questions. Confusion. Much going in circles. Searching.
I am thankful my heart is wrestles with want to serve, but I realize in my coming from much discontentment in my church life a year ago and discovering this ’conversation’ within the ’emergent’ Church I was awakened to potentials of life and love and service that I have only ever hungered for, but never seen realized in my own setting.
I’ve grown to know and love many of you.
I have been very discontent the past few months. Discontent to the point of tears...anger...at times almost depression.
What is it Scott? Hmm? What are you looking for on this journey?
jour·ney 1. The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip. 2. A process or course likened to traveling; a passage: the journey of life.
What is that ‘other place‘? Hmm...it is a journey to a place I don’t believe will be seen in this life. Or is that the right way to look at it?
In Philippians 3:14 Paul says, “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” -nas
The Message says, “I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.”
When we pray, “on earth as it is in Heaven” we mean that don’t we? Don’t you Scotty?
I am very much aware that I will be “pressing on” all the days of this life, but why the discontentment that has brought anger and almost depression?
I am pretty sure at this moment (3:03am 12/24/03) that it is because I have lost sight of “the goal”. At some point I was just running in circles like a chicken with it’s head cut off. (you can imagine the chicken’s frustration) I took my focus off of Christ. I slowly moved further and further away from my relationship and worship of Him till all that I was left doing was asking questions and running in circles and not getting the direction I needed because my eyes were on that head that I had cut off myself.
Obviously my Christ is still with me or I would not have found my way to here.
So, I go to him on my knees and begin to move forward from there.
I don’t know where He will lead this little family and I. I have thought and spoke and typed so much about wanting to be raised up to be a leader in His ever-emerging Church, but I just want to live to be who he says that I am. I hope that each day I have a chance to serve. I look at the lives of people like Andrew, Brad, Shannon, the Stuarts and so many others and I desire to be of as much help to people as they are, but I can not plan that life. I feel like school of some form is in my future....that scares me. I was never good at school even when I showed up. But I don’t know what I am to do besides continue working whatever job the Lord blesses me with and loving my family, you and of course loving our God along the way. Serving in whatever context I can for today. If at some point, by some miracle, I am being a good enough example to be considered a leader at that moment for that person or peoples....cool, but I’ll let the byproducts of my life lived in Him come as they will.
Before I stop....Riley is right. I am thankful for the birth of Jesus. I am thankful for his death and resurrection. But may we remember this Christmas is just the beginning....
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